Posted on October 1, 2013 by Patricia Ann McNair10.1.2013 Journal Prompt Photo by Joseph Szabo October 1, 2013: It was never me. Share this:ShareClick to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window)Click to print (Opens in new window)Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Like this:Like Loading... Related
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‘Course, I can’t say nothin. Not a word. Not to no one and certainly not to Sal. I can’t say a word about what he done, what we both done, him and me. I can’t say. It wouldn’t make right what happened if I told her. So I don’t. And I just sits and watches ‘em kissin; him kissin her and her kissin him. And I stays quiet.
She looks so happy with him, Sal does. And she deserves a little happy. More than most she does. What with all she’s been through this past year. With her mam gone so sudden and her da all punchin and kickin at the world and lookin for answers at the dark bottoms of beer bottles. And maybe there’s answers there, but when he sobers up he’s lost ‘em again and so he’s punchin and kickin at everythin once more. And Sal picks up all the pieces and puts everythin back together as best she can, and that’s not easy. And that’s why I think she deserves to be happy some, even if what she has isn’t really what it seems.
Sal needs him, see, and she needs me, too, so there’d be no point in sayin what happened. And if I did, there’d be no goin back from that, no goin back to bein best friends which is how she sees us, me and Sal, and how we was till Saturday past. And Bobby Salt, well he’s just a guy and they don’t ever stay long. So I sits and waits for the world to right itself again, and I keeps a secret inside, eating away at me and makin me think I is a bad person.
Nobody knows, ‘ceptin Bobby and me, and that’s best. Didn’t we say afterwards that it was wrong what we done and didn’t we swear then not to tell? Only, I see him sometimes and he’s lookin at me, even when he’s holdin her hand, and his face is all confused like he’s holdin the wrong hand and he don’t know how that is. I just turns away and I don’t let him see that I’m hurtin, too. And in my head I’m playin over all that we done that Saturday.
‘How’d this all happen?’ he said, when we was finished. ‘How the fuck?’
But he knew and I knew. See, it wasn’t ever s’posed to be Sal. It was always me and he just never got up the courage to ask. And then Sal upped and asked him and he didn’t know what to say and so they was together. But really it was me in his head and me he wanted to be kissin.
And Sal talks about him all the time, even when he’s not there. She says about his kisses and how they are, the taste and the warm that they are, and the wet. And she says how his hand is always under her bra and touchin her diddies, and once he was inside her pants and she didn’t know if she was ready for that. She asked me. I said she’d best wait a while and I said boys was always out for what they could get from a girl and he’d maybe stay with her a little longer if she didn’t give him all that he wanted straight off. Then Saturday night and it was all different, cos it was me and Bobby Salt, and he said I was his first and he was glad it was me. Only, we remembered Sal then and he got all ‘Fuck, how’d this happen?’ And that’s when we swore not to tell, not ever.
So I watches ‘em kissin, and I knows it should be me, but I think Sal deserves it more. So I keeps quiet and I won’t ever tell. And Bobby Salt, well he’d better not tell neither.