11.24.2013 Journal Prompt

Photo by Juergen Teller
Photo by Juergen Teller

November 24, 2013: Sometimes she would…

4 Replies to “11.24.2013 Journal Prompt”

  1. Lena thought about it most everyday. Now she did. When the work at school got so hard her head hurt and the letters or numbers danced on the page and would not ever stay still; or Bobby Simpson wrote her name in pen on the back of his hand, grinning like it meant something, which it didn’t; or when Mandy Morrison narrowed her eyes till they were sharp as pins, and she showed her gritted teeth, and Lena just knew she’d be for it at lunch.

    Lena just wanted to be left alone. That wasn’t too much to ask. She tried to make herself invisible sometimes. Small as not even there. Her head ducked and her shoulders stooped and she walked always in the shadows or at the edge of things. These days she did. And when she spoke, she spoke in whispers and she kept looking behind her incase she was heard.

    It wasn’t always so. A six month back and she was liked and popular. Parties she went to and hanging on street corners as part of a group and Mandy Morrison linked arms with her and Mandy let the whole world know that Lena was the prettiest girl in the whole town. And she was pretty, and though she hides it now, she still is. And one night Mandy and Lena were at the back of the church and they were drinking beer from brown bottles and that made them both light-headed and a little silly. And Mandy kissed Lena then.

    Afterwards, she said it was a mistake. ‘What do you think I am, a fucking dyke? Of course it was a mistake.’

    But Lena knew different. Lena knew kisses and Mandy’s kiss was real. And it wasn’t just the kiss. There’d been touching, too, light as the feathers of a bird, but touching all the same. And Mandy’s fingers stroking Lena’s cheek and her neck, and Mandy touching, daring to touch, Lena’s diddies.

    Lena never told. She swears she didn’t. But Mandy looks in her eyes some days and she does not like what she sees there. It is doubt she sees and Lena not loving her back she sees also and that is the hardest thing to bear. That’s why she gave Lena to Bobby Simpson. Said he could have her if he liked. Said he could have her any which way that he wanted. And lunchtimes Bobby Simpson wants Lena to put her hand down his pants at the back of the school, just where the teachers don’t see, and he says he’ll kill Lena’s dog or her sister or her mam if she don’t do what he wants. And Mandy says she’ll do it.

    So Lena puts her hands down there, and she feels him hard and hot, and his breath comes quick and short till he’s finished, till she’s finished. And the thought of sitting in class all the sweat-sticky afternoon and her fingers smelling of Bobby Simpson’s cock, well that is just too much.

    So Lena takes herself off some days, runs and runs till her lungs ache fit to bursting, and she goes to the river, swollen now the rains have fallen, and the water and mud all mixed together in a brown soup. And she walks right in. Up to her waist sometimes, and sometimes up to her neck. And it would only take a step further, just where the current is quickest, and Lena thinks about that and if only the water was clear and she could see to the bottom where fish and freshwater crabs are, then she just might.

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