Getting near 30 has me terrified. How do you explain to your friends that you gotta head home early from a party, or that their conversation is getting boring? After all I got Julie and the kids at home–one still in diapers. She’s looking at me right now and I know she worries. But I don’t know what to say and here I am stuck in my head.
I know I should feel like I’ve got it all together. House and mortgage. Julie’s crazy about me and the friends all say that the kids are cute. Even though they keep us up nights at times with a runny nose or ear ache. Got a good job with a start-up. Got in on the ground floor so that part is good.
If I were to tell my friends what was going on in my head they wouldn’t know what to say. Most of them are geeks anyway and wouldn’t know how to describe a feeling if it rose up and hit them in the face. But still they would just say I was having another one of my crazy thoughts.
But I’m feeling like there has to be more than this. I’m not explaining it very well. But all I’m doing now is striving and working and keeping the family going. That’s it. Life has become the endless cycle of showing up for work and watching my back. Coming home and paying bills on time. Model citizen. Make love with Julie once in awhile and keep the little ones happy. That’s it. The whole story of my life.
I remember being 16 and looking up at my oldest brother Tommy thinking he had it made. Same thing. Good job. Good looking woman. Three kids all sharp. House. Dog. What more could a man ask for. Always looked up to him. We were about ten years apart and used to share everything. He was the oldest and I was the oops kid. We used to call each other on weekends and talk over things. I can’t believe he didn’t tell me.
It all changed when he shot himself.
It happened about a year ago. Left us with all kinds of shit to deal with.
Who could have imagined that something so perfect looking on the outside could be so messed up inside. He never shared with me his coke addiction, his gambling. He was one unhappy dude and never let on. His dutiful wife Marissa covered for him all those years and her life’s upside down a year later. Tom left her a life insurance policy but that doesn’t keep his kids from crying themselves to sleep at night.
I’m still pissed that he didn’t at least call and tell me. I loved my brother and all but damn. Left a lot of crap for us all. He never said anything though. Made a comment about life being tough but never said anything about ending it. A bullet to the brain. A note saying he was sorry. The end. God rest his soul.
Julie worries about me I know. Not that I would do anything like that. I keep telling her I would never leave her and the kids like that. Still wonder if I can get off this treadmill. Getting close to the 30 mark I can see that there has to be something more.
The priest said that I need to spend more time with God. But if God is supposed to provide all this comfort for me how come He didn’t give comfort to Tommy before he pulled the trigger? It just all seems so wrong. I tried a couple prayers but nothing happened.
So right now I’m pretty lost. I know I’ll get through it. But it’s tough. Maybe we’ll get a sitter tonight and Julie and I can go out and talk through some of this over dinner. It would ease her mind at least. And maybe part of mine.
Note: September was National Suicide Prevention Month in the US. It’s impact is forever.
Patricia Ann McNair 
Getting near 30 has me terrified. How do you explain to your friends that you gotta head home early from a party, or that their conversation is getting boring? After all I got Julie and the kids at home–one still in diapers. She’s looking at me right now and I know she worries. But I don’t know what to say and here I am stuck in my head.
I know I should feel like I’ve got it all together. House and mortgage. Julie’s crazy about me and the friends all say that the kids are cute. Even though they keep us up nights at times with a runny nose or ear ache. Got a good job with a start-up. Got in on the ground floor so that part is good.
If I were to tell my friends what was going on in my head they wouldn’t know what to say. Most of them are geeks anyway and wouldn’t know how to describe a feeling if it rose up and hit them in the face. But still they would just say I was having another one of my crazy thoughts.
But I’m feeling like there has to be more than this. I’m not explaining it very well. But all I’m doing now is striving and working and keeping the family going. That’s it. Life has become the endless cycle of showing up for work and watching my back. Coming home and paying bills on time. Model citizen. Make love with Julie once in awhile and keep the little ones happy. That’s it. The whole story of my life.
I remember being 16 and looking up at my oldest brother Tommy thinking he had it made. Same thing. Good job. Good looking woman. Three kids all sharp. House. Dog. What more could a man ask for. Always looked up to him. We were about ten years apart and used to share everything. He was the oldest and I was the oops kid. We used to call each other on weekends and talk over things. I can’t believe he didn’t tell me.
It all changed when he shot himself.
It happened about a year ago. Left us with all kinds of shit to deal with.
Who could have imagined that something so perfect looking on the outside could be so messed up inside. He never shared with me his coke addiction, his gambling. He was one unhappy dude and never let on. His dutiful wife Marissa covered for him all those years and her life’s upside down a year later. Tom left her a life insurance policy but that doesn’t keep his kids from crying themselves to sleep at night.
I’m still pissed that he didn’t at least call and tell me. I loved my brother and all but damn. Left a lot of crap for us all. He never said anything though. Made a comment about life being tough but never said anything about ending it. A bullet to the brain. A note saying he was sorry. The end. God rest his soul.
Julie worries about me I know. Not that I would do anything like that. I keep telling her I would never leave her and the kids like that. Still wonder if I can get off this treadmill. Getting close to the 30 mark I can see that there has to be something more.
The priest said that I need to spend more time with God. But if God is supposed to provide all this comfort for me how come He didn’t give comfort to Tommy before he pulled the trigger? It just all seems so wrong. I tried a couple prayers but nothing happened.
So right now I’m pretty lost. I know I’ll get through it. But it’s tough. Maybe we’ll get a sitter tonight and Julie and I can go out and talk through some of this over dinner. It would ease her mind at least. And maybe part of mine.
Note: September was National Suicide Prevention Month in the US. It’s impact is forever.